The Mission: Raise Your Blood Pressure...

The Means: My Aligue (Crab Fat) Pasta

The Materials:

1 huge crab, boiled, use both fat and meat
1/2 shrimp or any seafood boullion cube
1 cup hot water
250 ml all purpose cream
4-5 medium-sized tomatoes, diced
1-2 large red or green bell pepper/s, diced
2 tbsp chopped garlic
1 tbsp chopped onion
canola and/or sesame oil for sauteing
salt and pepper to taste
400 g spaghetti or any long pasta
grated parmesan cheese, optional

The Method:

1 Boil the crab. Harvest the fat and meat from the crab. Separate the meat from the fat.
2 In a separate bowl, dissolve the crab fat and boullion cube in hot water. Season with pepper (and salt, if necessary).
3 Saute garlic and onions. Add tomatoes. Season immediately with salt and pepper.
4 Add peppers, then crab meat. Stir for a few minutes.
5 Add crab fat mixture. Simmer.
6 Add cream. Simmer.
7 Taste. Season with salt and pepper, if necessary.
8 Add cooked spaghetti. Toss.
9 Serve as is or topped with grated parmesan cheese.
10 Enjoy.

Mission accomplished when...

11 Feel the back of your neck start to throb.
12a Take hypertension meds.
12b Or, go to nearest hospital.
12c Or, die smiling.

Hammered Crab Omelet

My mom brought home a big bag of fish and crustaceans that we had to scramble to clean, cook, and give away to folksies who like seafood. Well, technically, the fish were from a fresh water fishpond, not the sea—which is salt water, fyi. And technically, it was my dad who did the scrambling and the cleaning. He boiled some huge crabs. I took one, and because we didn’t have one of those… what do you call them? Those pliers-like things that you crack crabs with? Anyway, we didn’t have one of those, so I took the hammer from my dad’s toolbox and pounded away at the poor crab, and harvested the meat and fat. And made crabmeat omelet. And named the recipe Hammered Crab Omelet. And thought, people might think I dunked the crab in a vat of beer to get it drunk so I could have my way with it, as it were. And shrugged because it’s a nice image anyway. And thought, what the hell does “as it were” mean? And digressed so far away from the beaten path that it took me ages to get back on track. And used 2 effin’ clichés and mixed metaphors in a single sentence. And made some adjustments to the recipe to make it, in future, tastier. And finally posted said revised recipe in this blog…


Ingredients:
Meat and fat from one humongous crab (don’t know how that translates to pounds or kilos)
2 large green/red bell peppers, diced
2 medium-sized tomatoes
juice of 5-6 calamansi (or lemon)
garlic and onion to sauté
salt, pepper, spices (like basil, garlic powder, chili pepper flakes or hot sauce), to taste
mustard, to taste
4-5 eggs
oil and butter for frying


Procedure:
1. Mix crabmeat/fat, bell peppers, tomatoes, calamansi juice, and seasonings.
2. Beat the eggs (ever so slightly, my dear. Ever so slightly). Season with salt.
3. Pour a small amount of oil in a semi-hot pan (canola, for less guilt founded on self-delusion) and add a pat of butter.
4. Saute garlic and onion. Add crab mixture. Saute for a few minutes then set aside.
5. In same pan, pour beaten eggs. When the eggs are almost set, return crab mixture to pan. Fold egg over the meat.
6. Slide onto a serving dish.
7. Enjoy.

… And stopped writing.